food for thought

For one reason or another I've been thinking about the stages of grief and how they don't just apply to death but to anything.
I was in my bi-weekly counseling session with a few other ladies the other day. One was beaten by her husband and one who was raped at 8 years old by her brother. I was able to share what I had been through as a child and one of the women asked me "how can you talk about this so easily?" I had to think about it...
I said 'just like the sages of mourning or grief that you go through when someone passes away... I did that but with my trauma... it still bothers me, yes, but not to the point I can't talk about most of it... ask me for all the dirty little details and I can't do it, but telling you how I feel that's a different story."
I honestly don't think I really knew what I meant until now.

I've been through all the stages.
Denial: When I was little and all the way up until I was about 15 (when sex starts to interest teens... at least for me anyways) I didn't want to think about it. Talk about it. Didn't want anything to do with it. I didn't want to think that my mother didn't protect me from my ex-step-father, that she didn't take her bi-polar medication and protect me from herself. I had DCF come into my life because my son had phneumonia and double ear infections. Now tell me I'm not crazy, but I think being beaten by your crazy-ass mother and raped by your step-father every time you went over their house for 4 years straight, warrents DCF being in the picture... but they were never there. so DCF, FUCK YOU!

Anger: Okay well, I'm still a little bit angry but I think that's because I'm a mother now and I can't see how you could do anything to hurt your child or let them get hurt when they tell you something 'bad' or 'not right is going on' and you not believe them. wtf is that! I'm still angry at my mother, I'm angry at my ex-step-father who had kids of his own (older than my mom at the time) and that he would do such a thing, I'm angry at DCF, I'm even angry at my dad for not being around more and not noticing the bruises. When I was a teenager I put my parents through hell, all to tell them that I was pissed off and they should somehow pay. (Jacen or Hunter you ever do that to me and you'll never hear the end of it.) I used to cut myself, do drugs, never do the things I was supposed to do, talked back, cursed at them, etc. I feel awful about it now... but at the time I didn't give two shits.

Bargaining: I don't really remember bargaining with anyone, maybe for money to go shopping with... but we all at one point or another say 'I would trade anything if I could go back...'

Depression: I'm still dealing with the depression... it comes and goes but it's a demon hiding in the dark waiting to attack when ever I'm happy... in a sense you can never truely be entirely happy.

Acceptance: I have accepted what happened to me and am finally starting to move on... it took 15 years but I'm starting to get going.

Thanks for listening/reading/whatever <3